What the fuck is up with Goat?
Goat is the most widely consumed meat in the universe! Well, it is in our solar system anyway. Yet in Australian cuisine it hardly gets a mention. So what the fuck is up Straya? Why don’t you hairy barbarian beasts eat more goat? Is it because goat seems foreign to you? YOU CRAZY KIDS! According to the ACRIS Management Committee in 2010 there was an estimated 3.3 million goats in this country and that number is constantly growing. That means that one in every 6 Strayans is a goat. Not so foreign after all! We get all upset about boat people when we should really be concerned with GOAT PEOPLE!
Feral goats are incredibly destructive sons of bitches that cost this country $25 million every year. They completely fuck up our environment and laugh about it behind our backs. To learn more about the damages caused by feral goats check this out: http://www.feral.org.au/pest-species/goat/
Of course feral goats are blissfully unaware of what they are doing, they were after all introduced by us and like most of the things introduced to this country (rabbits, Cain toads, whities) they got completely out of control, trotting all over the place, eating all our native shit, making a mess of the place, procreating furiously and so on. Now look how fucked our shit is. It’s time for change!
“But, Mr Jakob Sir, what can I do? I’m a coward and a pathetic product of my upbringing and environment. I only eat factory farmed smegma coated, hormone pumped, disease ridden and thoroughly abused animals like cows, pigs and chickens n stuff.”
I’ll tell you what you can do Billy. You can re-educate yourself about food. Goat is a sensationally delicious meat not unlike lamb in taste and texture. Of course, like most game meat, goat can be a bit tough at times. However, follow our recipes and the many others that are out there and you might just be able to discover the marvellous wonders of goat. It is my personal favourite and my local butcher (Something Wild) is so used to me cracking the shits when they don’t have any Goat shanks in stock that they actually put some aside for me. Now each week I am guaranteed my own personal supply of goat shanks. Winning!
“What’s so good about goat Mr Jakob sir man? I need beef and chicken for protein and stuff, and I don’t like fatty animals because I’m trying to watch my slender figure because I plan to do modelling some day and goat sounds heavy, nutrient void and dangerous.”
Suck this kid, you’re ugly and will never make it in any career that relies in anyway on your appearance in order to succeed. But guess what, even though you’re hideously grotesque and often turn the stomach when gazed upon, no matter how brief that gaze may be, this might cheer you up a bit. Goat meat has considerable less fat and cholesterol than that of beef or chicken. It also has approximately the same level of protein and considerably more iron than beef or chicken. It is also chock full of other healthy goodies WOW! To learn more about goat nutritional information, fucking check this out: http://www.livestrong.com/article/330241-goat-meat-nutrition-facts/
Goat is a fantastically delicious meat, my personal favourite dishes are stews and curries. I promise that a goat curry will slaughter (taste wise) any other meat based curry. It’s superb in the face. Of course taste is always a matter of opinion and physiological qualms always factor into this. Don’t be a pussy and toughen up mate. It’s goat time!
“But Mr Jakob man sir head, where does goat come from? Surely not space right?”
WRONG! Goat has been scientifically and biologically proven to come from space, some tribal elders believe. In actual fact, goat is game. Game means that they are just running around out there, everywhere, fucking up our land. Which is why it is our duty to take them out, one ‘God’ damn goat at a time. What better way to dispose of the evidence than to eat, digest then shit it out into the sea.
Fun fact time: Goats are very sneaky creatures and often hide in long grass, behind shrubs, in dense woods and in local churches disguised and ex-alcoholic born agains. This makes them very tricky to locate, track and obliterate. Therefore a clever technique has been developed in order to counter the goat tactics. The Judas Goat. Goats are social animals and are seldom without herd. If you were to release a goat into the wild near enough to where goat packs have been spotted, the goat will soon join the rest of its gang. Knowing this, us clever humans take advantage by strapping a radio transmitter to a captured POW goat and after some mock interrogation release it back into the wild. The goat then meets up with its gang to explain to its comrades the terrible ordeal of being captured. With the whole “being captured and interrogation thing” the goat would have forgotten about the transmitter attached to it thus revealing to us on the receiving end the whereabouts of his rebel camp. The goat is then tracked and the gang is shot down, all but the radio collared goat of course who he believes “miraculously escaped” the genocidal massacre. He then leads us to the next group of goats, possibly a rival gang of the previous. Anyway, the process is then repeated over and over again. God bless the Judas Goat.
The Judas Goat hunting technique sounds cruel but is a necessary conservation technique. Goats are extremely destructive pests, never fucking forget that ok!?
To learn more about goat culling and other fun facts check the shit out of this: http://www.daff.qld.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0012/55200/IPA-Feral-Goat-PA18.pdf
Look dudes it’s like this: If you eat meat you are killing a living creature by proxy. Why not kill those that actually cause damage to our precious land instead of farming animals that don’t need to be there in the first place? Why not eat meat that is better for your health and the environment? Why not harden the fuck up Straya and eat more GOAT!?
~Jakob XP Brunnbauer, (former) goat eater.